Daisy Love

I love you
I love you not
I love you
I love you not
A child’s game made to predict a choice
Of whether someone’s love would be given a voice
Searching for acceptance, forgiveness, and security
In the plucking of petals full of nature’s purity
Maybe it should be concerning, this turn to God’s inanimate creation
Instead of to the people designed to love in every nation
Why is it that we leave our hearts up to chance
Instead of trusting others in life’s tumultuous dance?
Again, the children have discovered the key
To why we have lost so much faith in “we”:
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But your words will ever more hurt me
Bruises and cuts will heal
But words can steal
Our joy and peace
Hope is decreased
And when you’ve spoken and slammed me to the floor
My soul is crushed, my heart cries, “NO MORE!”
1 Corinthians 13 sounds more like a joke
Or some fantasy a romantic fool wrote—
Do we mean that word posted above our door,
Or is “love” something we have mixed meanings for?
Love means sacrifice—not always fun or easy
Love is not about what would best please me
Love means not grumbling when the lady ahead in line
Has to re-run her debit card for the thirteenth time
Love means not deliberately looking away
When a veteran with a sign needs food for the day
Love means confiding, not screaming to the world other people’s wrongs
Understanding that some lives really are like sad country songs
That what we really need is someone to listen, to encourage, to know
That the sinful person we are has great potential in Christ to grow
But when we love only with great hesitation
Saying that we are far above or different than that person’s station
And rebuke them with so much ill-tempered consternation
Are we destroying our Savior’s reputation?
He Who is in us is reflected in our words and actions
So what does the mirror show of our transactions?
When I haughtily describe a Brother’s mistakes
Does he see Jesus in my frowning face?
And when I look down on other people’s sins,
Is that God’s light shining from within?
When my comments online are scathing and unrefined
Is it “God loves you” or “I judge you” written between the lines?
Our country has given us the right of free speech
But do we use it to love or only to preach
How the world should acknowledge that I am always right
And getting behind me is the only solution in sight?
In a place called the land of the free and the home of the brave
Everything comes at a cost and few stand up to save.
Trusting in a human is like plucking a flower
You’re taking a chance in fallible power
Will what you find be worth the trouble and time
Or will you soon murmur that sad children’s rhyme?
It’s not the human, but the God in them we should trust
Loving them anyway, correcting gently when we must
Knowing that God’s love in a person’s heart
Doesn't make them perfect, but gives a good place to start
Changing the chant when others look our way
Showing them how God can teach us to say
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you

God's Providence...

No risk, no reward. It's the mantra of many a stockbroker (as well as "pass the Tums--my ulcers are killing me!"). It should also, in some respects, be the mantra of Christians. If we stay in our cozy little familiar worlds, we may be "safe," but we can also miss out on many great blessings. Even opportunities that seem illogical or hardly attainable can be brought to our doorsteps by a wonderful and powerful God.

On August 17th, I was told by my father about an ad he saw in the paper asking for English teachers to help with tutoring students. While I am ok with the two jobs I have now, I was intrigued. I looked the ad up online and found a second listing for a teacher, but this one hadn't been printed in the paper. It was for a adjunct communication teacher to teach public speaking courses at a local university. This university was one I had finished my undergraduate degree and also completed my master's degree at. I loved this school, missed it terribly, and while all schools have their problems, I would love to teach there. It got my attention...but there was a problem. I had a MA in English. This called for a MA in Communications. There is a lot of overlap between the two fields, but they are very different. Community colleges will let English majors teach many communication classes, but universities often are pickier. I wasn't qualified to apply.

Something made me call the provost office, though, and ask if the position was still open. The deadline for applications was August 18 (*really* late in the semester to be hiring!) and according to the secretary, she didn't think anyone had applied, but knew for sure that no one had been hired. At this news, I knew there were a few things going for me. First, I had taught several sections of public speaking at the community college I worked at, and was pretty sure both colleges used the same textbook. Second, being an alumnus, I had some connections and had a good reputation among the English faculty. Third, if they were within a week of classes starting and no one had applied, they'd be desperate enough to hire anyone. Desperate times are what get green teachers like me hired. :)

So I ran home and spent a few hours updating my CV and working on a cover letter and teaching philosophy. I had only mixed hopes about this job...and when I didn't hear anything by the weekend, I just shrugged it off. It was a very long shot anyway. I had two good jobs that together paid for my bills. God had blessed me.

Today, I get a phone call at 3:30 in the afternoon. Someone from the selection committee is calling to see if I could do a phone interview today. "I'm in town, so would being there in person be better?" He seemed pleasantly surprised at my suggestion and jumped on it, asking me to be there in an hour. I rush home, change, try to do something with my crazy hair, and get back to the university just in time for the interview. I find myself in a room with five people, all kind professors who seem really helpful and supportive. One of the professors has a wife who works at the community college with me, so it was nice to have that connection.

The interview went well, and I was surprisingly not that nervous. I explained how I taught my classes currently and they were impressed with my creativity. There were some major differences: I approach public speaking from a performance and literary perspective while they have different levels of rhetoric that they use. I admitted that I didn't know much about those other fields, but instead of being hesitant, they welcomed my questions and said they would fill in the gaps with their knowledge and resources. In other words, I'm going to get an unofficial master's in communication if I listen to them. :) I heard several repeated comments about this being an 11th hour hiring, so they would really guide me through this fall semester without huge expectations. How 11th hour? Here's the skinny: if they hire me (the decision needing to pass through several high levels of administrations first), I'll be told Wednesday afternoon. My first class meets Thursday morning. Yeah, it's really last-minute.

Am I nervous about this, especially as I have a strong feeling I'm probably going to get offered the position? Extremely. I'm hearing this little snippy voice in the back of my head saying, "You're not a communications major! This is a very high-level university! You're not going to be able to convince those kids that you know more than they do. You can't pull this off at this high of a level. You don't even have that much teaching experience! If you wash out here, what do you think your future chances of employment are going to be?" I know these are all lies, and that I can do a lot of things once I really buckle down and focus. I will learn. I'm not lying or hiding my inexperience or even some of the downsides to hiring me, but I'm not downplaying my passion for my career or my willingness to try a new challenge.

I took a risk applying for this job. I'll take a bigger one accepting it. The blessings, though, will be immense. The job turns full-time with benefits come spring semester, which means I'll have the opportunity I've wanted for years--to have one full-time job that will support me and let me have time to write, spend time with family and my church, and enjoy a budding romance that I'm beginning with a new guy. God is answering my long-time prayer in a very unexpected way, and I have faith that He would not put me in a situation I could not handle or not be successful in. This is going to be a challenge, somewhat stressful at first, but a beautiful, beautiful blessing.

If I get hired. :)

Don't Tempt Me...

During a phone call with a friend, she said that the two of us should just run away for a week, buy plane tickets to somewhere with a non-oiled beach, and just use our credit cards to buy us a little sun-infused happiness. "Don't tempt me" was my reply. It struck me just how often I use this little turn of phrase. I usually mean it non-literally, a way of saying no in a fun manner. Truthfully, though, it's something I should say seriously more often than I do.

Everyone gets tempted (even Jesus!). It's really easy to rationalize our way into giving in, too. It's just one brownie. I am really hungry. No one really gives speeding tickets for going four miles over the speed limit. It's just one kiss. No one will ever know. It all comes down to one big misconception: I can handle this. The problem is that no matter what the temptation is, if it's tempting, then we can't handle it. If we could, it wouldn't be a problem.

Satan knows our weaknesses. I don't have any problems with illegal drugs, so he doesn't use those against me. He does tempt me with eating way too much junk food (especially chocolate) because he knows it's something that can have an effect on me. He will tempt us to make unwise decisions. Maybe it's spending money we don't really have or wasting the time that we do have. Maybe it's putting some desire ahead of God and His plans. Maybe it's just the right stressors to distract us from the love and peace in His service. Maybe it's all of the above. He will lie to us, tantalizing our senses with harmful thoughts and actions that seem perfectly "normal" or "appropriate." The truth is that even sugar-coated lies are still that--lies. They may feel good going down, but the havoc they wreak on our digestion, as well as the lack of nutrients they offer for our body and soul, is hardly worth the moments of bliss.

I challenged myself to write down the specific sins I have trouble with--and the list was eye-opening. I started to see little habits, subtle changes in behavior or lifestyle, that reflected not God but a temptation taken too far. For someone who felt that she was pretty much "good with God," I got a wake-up call to my active sinful nature running amok in the background. If you're feeling brave, try this for yourself. You may be shocked at what turns up.

Erecting new boundaries, rules, and protective "bubbles" around certain areas of my life to keep me from falling back into these sinful patterns isn't easy or fun. It's much easier to just let myself have a few wild moments here and there and deal with the slight repercussions later--after all, how much can it matter in the long run? Unfortunately, it matters a lot. I can't afford to be callous to my struggles. Separating me from the one true rock in my life only puts me at greater risk of being swept out to sea during the next great storm. I nearly drowned once before. Momentary pleasures aren't worth dying for.

Do Not Cross This Line

Any relationship has boundaries. There are a list of things you can and cannot do and say. For one of my clients to hug me would cross a boundary of professionalism, but not so with one of the little tykes I watch in the nursery at church. I know better than to go on and on about my thoughts on faith with one of my friends who is an athiest, but I can remark on the Bible as much as I like with my best friends. I can talk about sex and romance with my friends but not with my parents (ew!). Boundaries establish comfort zones, protect us from harm, and allow us to get along.

When boundaries are crossed, even inadvertently, big problems can result. I set up boundaries with a new friend of mine and he crossed the line. He didn't mean anything malicious by it at all--just a simple lapse in judgment. To be fair, I wasn't guarding the boundaries as well as I should have. Still, when that line was crossed, the reaction was strong. Fear, pain, anger, and sadness roiled inside me. I ended up crying and even briefly snapping at my friend before controlling my temper and trying to talk out the situation. When I realized how hurt he was, I felt guilty for my responses and buried the emotions, distracting myself and him.

Problem was, I didn't deal with the issues of a boundary being crossed--I just repressed it. It took a while the next day, with a good Christian female friend, to talk out the problem, see where I overreacted, understand how I was projecting past experiences onto this one (thus not seeing things reasonably or logically), and get my bearings back. I had to forgive my friend for doing what he did, especially since he apologized. I had to forgive myself for not guarding my boundaries. I had to remember that God forgave me, too. Knowing that things would still be ok, even better than ok, once I dealt with the emotions helped so much. Still, picking up the pieces is hard.

There's a phrase I hear every now and then: I forgive but I never forget. It often struck me as a contradiction, but there is a seed of truth in there. We do need to forgive, but we also can't forget the lesson learned. When that boundary was crossed, it hurt. Therefore, instead of putting ourselves in situations where those lines could be crossed again, we need to protect ourselves--not because we don't trust the other person(s), but because it's the best thing for everyone involved.

Humble

Last Friday, I closed the Word document on my laptop and sighed. The bittersweet moment had come. I was done with the revisions to my novel. All 266 double-spaced pages of it. It was time to party and move on to my next project, but part of me was so sad to leave my work behind, to stamp it as "complete" and not work on it anymore. Then again, this baby was five months in the making (not including the two months it "sat" before I began revising). I am a good writer and editor and had taken that book apart and put it back together multiple times. It was in perfect, tip-top condition.

Then a close friend of mine, also a writer, sent me a message on Facebook. She notified me that she had started reading my book and in the first chapter she had noticed some POV problems. She sounded very apologetic about it, knowing how hard I had worked on the book and unsure of my reaction. The first thing in my mind? I wasn't happy.

My frustration was not at my friend--on the contrary, I love her even more for mentioning something. I was mad at myself. Granted, I haven't written extensively in fiction and POV isn't so much of an issue in creative non-fiction (my specialty), so it made sense that I would still have problems in this area. I still wanted to have the book perfect and ready for publishing.

What I learned is a lesson I teach over and over in my classes...and so I'm living "physician, heal thyself." When we write something, we know what it's supposed to say, the images that are being described, the attitudes and motivations of the characters. Translating that knowledge into written words so someone not in our heads (and how grateful we can be for that!) can be tricky. I tell my students all the time to have someone read their work for them and comment on the issues that the author can't or won't see by him/herself. Instead of progressing to "the next level" of revising, peer editing, I had bypassed it because, after all, I'm an English professor. Surely I wouldn't make such elementary mistakes.

I'm a fallible human--and writing teaches me that fact every day. As much as I'd like to think I could be the next Dee Henderson, I know that without good editors in my life, I'm never going to be as great as I could be. I need to be humble, admit I need help, and accept it graciously.

To be truthful, after my initial irritation with myself faded at my friend's letter, I was relieved. I instantly saw the errors and was so happy my friend had caught them. I love getting her input--and that outside perspective.

And fixing these errors gives me an excuse to hold on to my precious manuscript just a wee bit longer before I'm an empty nester looking to either have another baby novel or deal with the fact that I'm alone for the time being.

To be or not to be with you...

During Sunday's service, my pastor described a situation he was counseling a teenager through. This boy had some friends who weren't Christians, but he wanted to be a witness to them, hang out with them, and be there for them. Instead of being this great light for Christ, he was making some poor decisions to fit in with these friends. Our pastor's advice? Don't hang out with them anymore--block them from your phone if you have to and stop going to their house.

While I understood the logic behind the advice, a part of me didn't agree. We as Christians are commanded to witness to others, to share our faith, to show God's love. If the only people we associate with are Christians, then evangelizing becomes rather hard to do (to the point you may be literally preaching to the choir). After all, Jesus hung out with prostitutes and fishermen and (gasp!) the Roman IRS. We shouldn't cloister ourselves off unless the situation is truly dangerous, right?

What I've realized since is that while I should continue to befriend nonbelievers and include them in my life, they can't be my core circle of friends. I look back at some of the lowest and darkest points in my life, other times when I found myself really struggling with sin, and in every instance I see myself spending a lot of time with nonbelievers who encourage me (or participate) in that bad behavior. Like my pastor's wife says, it's like crabs in a bucket. When one tries to climb out, the others will actually pull him/her back down. It's very dangerous for a Christian--not only can we lose our ministry, but we can damage our relationship with God. I don't think that a fun evening with "the boys" is worth that.

So my final opinion? Caution and moderation, combined with strong, healthy relationships with believers to keep us accountable and uplifted. I know, it's the same opinion I have with sugar. Let's pray that I do better with my friendships than I do with my chocolate consumption.