Can You Hear Me Now?

When it comes to prayer, maybe I just don't listen very well. I've never heard God "speaking" to me, audibly or in my mind. I usually get answers by a sense of peace, situations changing, opportunities arising, the advice of good friends, or reading the Bible. There's never been a time where I hear a great booming voice (or even a still, small one) challenging me to sacrifice my first-born son--quite the feat as the closest thing I have to a child is my cat, and the first-born one died decades ago--or to go preach the gospel in Ninevah (ironically the name of the town where my church is located). That is, until Sunday.

I'll be posting several of the things I learned at the ACFW conference, but one moment I want to memorialize early is when I first really heard God. No, I wasn't on anything besides asparagus for breakfast (still not sure how a five-star hotel justified this...two days in a row). I felt compelled to go to the prayer room after the morning worship instead of my continuing education class. I began praying about the conference, my meetings with editors/agents, the women and men I had met and their needs/hopes/dreams, and my confusion and fears over all the drama in my life currently. When I poured out to God everything I had taken onto my plate over the past few months and how overwhelmed I felt, the fear that had ruled over much of my life lately felt so intense in the small room. It was at this moment that I heard three words spoken into my mind. I know it wasn't me who came up with them because it wasn't a voice I recognized (my talk-to-myself voice is rather like my own but with a bit of a southern drawl...and now y'all are wondering what meds I'm on again...shame, shame). It was powerful, sure, strong, and vaguely male. Just three words.

Rest in Me.

It summed up everything I needed to hear in one small, powerful package. I wasn't trusting God like I should have. All my anxieties, all my fears, all my insecurities could be conquered with a simple imperative sentence (and God has good grammar...that's encouraging). All I have to do is just what is right before me--and let God handle the rest. I also need to let go of my safety nets, my human measures to protect myself, and allow the most powerful being in the universe to be in control.

Easier said, I know. But it's starting to be done. Already I feel better, lighter, more hopeful.

Although that might also be the chocolate I just ate. :)

Little Moments

The clock in the living room ticks and tocks at a slight echo to the one in the kitchen, creating a surround-sound atmosphere of time passing me by. Every second comes, goes, and is never to return. When thinking of time in this slightly off-tempo beat of seconds, it's almost frightening. I'm aging in this chair, my clean skin from my recent shower already compiling oils, my hair acquiring a minute sheen that will end up turning my bouncy curls into somewhat-stringy locks by the end of the night. My watch battery will have lost some of its juice, my stomach will be empty and hungry yet again, and I will have failed to complete everything on my to-do list.

Right now, though, instead of forcing myself out the door to face a hugely-full day of teaching three classes, office hours, and preparing to hand over my third part-time job to a new person, I'm sitting in the most comfortable seat in my house. A cat is curled up alongside my hip and the top of my left leg, snoring softly as he warms my jean-clad thigh. Little One tends to annoy me more often than not. He'll beg to be let out, then run away and hide several times before you can either catch him and throw him out or he decides he's finally ready. He'll steal my food and watch me like a hawk while I'm eating, taking any opportunity presented to swipe some cheese or lick my yogurt. He insists on accompanying me to the bathroom because, after all, I'm just "sitting there" and have plenty of time to pet him. (I'm learning to try to head him off with a well-angled foot and shut the door firmly behind me.) Right now, though, he's being precious. A lap cat to the core, he is taking the chill from the air and telling me he trusts me, wants me, and thinks I'm the most comfortable spot in the house. Considering where all he sleeps, that's a rather nice compliment.

I should be putting on some eyeliner, grabbing something for breakfast, checking my three school e-mail accounts, and heading out the door to start my day. The quiet, punctuated only by half-purred snores and time ticking away, is intoxicating. Comforting. The kind of morning moment I want so much more than the drama that comes with my three jobs. I'm taking the time to write a little, pray, and consider just how much chocolate I will buy today so I can make it through the next week. It's a nice little moment that will end in just a few seconds. I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

A Christian Walk(through)

While I've never been very "into" video games, computer games have been a part of my life for over a decade. Things have changed a lot since the simplistic MS-DOS adventures--now there are complicated adventure, arcade, and strategy games to tickle my fancy. While most of the time I enjoy bumbling my way around these virtual worlds, figuring out puzzles and discovering the elusive paths to rewards, there are many times when I lose patience or am just a little too eager to reach the end of the game and find out "the ending." It's similar to my impulse I try to control when reading suspense novels--I want to flip to the back and find out whodunit. (Now, when I exercise enough restraint to keep plowing through the book instead, I often end up skimming the reading and staying up all hours of the night until I'm done. Not exactly a better option, although it depends on how you look at it.)

Enter the wonderful invention of walkthroughs. These are postings, sometimes with uber-helpful illustrations (screen captures) that describe, step by step, how to progress through the game. If I can't figure out just the right combination to the secret safe, the answer is just a google away. Annoyed that this "boss" won't keel over so I can rescue the cute, imprisoned kitty? A walkthrough will give me suggestions that usually work perfectly. My anxieties are over, and I can progress confidently, knowing that any future sticking points can be easily solved once again. If only real life could be this simple.

In real life, I'm often worried, confused, frustrated, and even scared. I've been constantly asking God for signs in many respects of my life. My job situation is a little shaky, thanks to the economy; I want a steady, full-time job with benefits. I don't like the insecurity that comes with working two part-time jobs that aren't permanent but rather contract-renewable. I don't like the insecurity of being in a "dating" relationship. I don't like the insecurity of being around people who don't know the meaning of "constructive criticism." I'm scared and frightened and want to flip forward in the book of my life to reassure myself that things are all going to work out. I want to know if it's worth the pain and drama of a long-distance relationship or if my current boyfriend and I are only destined to be friends. I want to know when I'm going to get that job, and if there are avenues I need to start pursuing now (like my PhD) in order to find that job. I beg God almost daily for signs, for revelations. I want concrete, undeniable (or at least certifiable) messages. Billboards would be nice. I want to google my life, find the walkthrough, and examine how to best get through this tricky maze. Then I get frustrated because nothing's popping up, which makes me more scared...and it turns into a vicious cycle.

Like most times in a game (this one being Life, and not the Hasbro version) when I can't see the way out, I realize I've been looking in the wrong place the whole time. God has given me a walkthrough, but I've been ignoring it in favor of things that I think I must do or will help me escape from the painful reality. It's the obvious answer: the Bible.

Now, I'm not saying that all the answers are explicitly in there. Nowhere does it say, "Tamara, you will be married in three years, have five children (keep the youngest away from bees--trust me on that one), be a published author after your 29th rejection, and will be a New York Times Bestselling Author on your third book." It does say a few things about my namesakes, but those two stories are...for another day. :) What the Bible does provide is exactly what I've been asking for: Revelations. Although I am an English professor and enjoy playing around with symbolism occasionally, this book is not what even I, the girl who reads the Oxford English Grammar for fun, would call a satisfying and understandable read. I get all caught up in the minutia of horns and seals and colorful horses that I forget the big picture. It's a walkthrough, and the ultimate ending is there for me to know in black-and-white: God wins. Satan loses. Enter peaceful eternity.

My "minutia" seems enormous to me, but in the scope of eternity, whether or not I get a full-time job or end up marrying my boyfriend is practially insignificant. My jobs, as my pastor says, are primarily to love God, love people, and enlarge Heaven (by leading others to Christ). If I take my focus off my problems and worries and instead focus it on God, I can find that peace and reassurance that I've been searching for. In the end, God wins. In the end, it is HIS will. In the end, He is in control. I just need to focus on what is right in front of me and let God take care of the rest. He's got it. I need to trust Him.

Lessons for the Teacher, Part I

Part of what makes an excellent leader, and teacher, is the desire and ability to continue learning. For teachers, it's often called professional development. We have days set aside every semester for us to get together and talk, discuss policies, share teaching strategies. There are conferences where we can meet people from across the state or even across the country. We leave perhaps tired from the travel, but inspired and exhilirated, ready to take on the challenges of educating others all over again.

The problem with conferences is not just the cost, or the travel, but rather the infrequency of them. While I was a graduate student at Truman, I was able to go to three major educational conferences, mostly because there was funding available for us. Since graduating, these incredible large-scale meetings of like-minded people have been mostly out of my reach. There's little to no funding on the community college level, and since I work two jobs, getting out of responsibilities for five or more days at a time is a huge challenge at best. The euphoric inspiration, the feeling of belonging, and the excitement of being in this field at this time fades quickly as I reenter reality. If only I could have these experiences more often, get this sort of refueling on a regular, even weekly or daily, basis.

Thing is, I can.

The center of my life, the rock that keeps everything else grounded, is God. Just as I want to excel in my profession, I desire even more to excel in my walk with Him. I don't need to depend on the occasional revivals, camp meetings, or brilliant "lightbulb" moments that come once in a while and dissipate as I forget the lessons learned. What I need are the daily reminders and weekly meetings with like-minded Christians.

Enter "Quiet Time" and "Church."

Church isn't as much of an issue as it used to be. After years of allowing fear to keep me from taking a chance on a place to fellowship and worship, I have found a church home that ministers to my heart. I have rediscovered old friends, made new ones, and am touched by the truth and beauty in the people there. Quiet time...is another matter. My family and the few women who have either been blessed or cursed by having to live with me all know that daily regimens, outside personal hygiene, are not one of my strong suits. Vitamins. Daily writing time. Exercise. Reading. Homework. You name a habit, I've tried, and failed, over and over, to develop and keep it. I've tried methods to help me, ranging from positive reinforcement, accountability partners (who either forget or are fooled by my tricks to "get out of trouble"), punishment, deprivation, and even financial retribution. Nothing works for long. That first day that I let myself slide, that I say it's ok for me to skip...is the beginning of the end.

If I want to see God working in my life, if I'm sincere about my desire to be an instrument for Him, if I want to weather life's storms better than "just surviving," then I need to get with God's program. As many have said, "How would your significant other feel if you didn't talk to them every day, only called when they needed something, or made excuses every time you wanted to spend time with them?" I understood this before I had a boyfriend, but now that I'm in a serious relationship where we DO talk every day, I see the huge impact this has a lot more clearly...and I'm feeling the guilt.

Thing is, guilt isn't to punish us, but to push us into action. If we feel bad about lying, then we need to be honest. If we feel bad about isolating ourselves, then we need to take a chance and fellowship. If we feel bad because we're using/ignoring God, then we need to take time to be with Him.

It's not going to be easy. I have lots of excuses. I'm making a committment, though, starting today, that I'm going to challenge myself to be the best daughter of the King I can be. One small step at a time, one goal at a time; the most important one I can have is my relationship with God.

Step 1, Day 1: Daily time, set aside, to read my Bible and pray (not just for what I want/need, but to really talk/commune with God).