Can You Hear Me Now?

When it comes to prayer, maybe I just don't listen very well. I've never heard God "speaking" to me, audibly or in my mind. I usually get answers by a sense of peace, situations changing, opportunities arising, the advice of good friends, or reading the Bible. There's never been a time where I hear a great booming voice (or even a still, small one) challenging me to sacrifice my first-born son--quite the feat as the closest thing I have to a child is my cat, and the first-born one died decades ago--or to go preach the gospel in Ninevah (ironically the name of the town where my church is located). That is, until Sunday.

I'll be posting several of the things I learned at the ACFW conference, but one moment I want to memorialize early is when I first really heard God. No, I wasn't on anything besides asparagus for breakfast (still not sure how a five-star hotel justified this...two days in a row). I felt compelled to go to the prayer room after the morning worship instead of my continuing education class. I began praying about the conference, my meetings with editors/agents, the women and men I had met and their needs/hopes/dreams, and my confusion and fears over all the drama in my life currently. When I poured out to God everything I had taken onto my plate over the past few months and how overwhelmed I felt, the fear that had ruled over much of my life lately felt so intense in the small room. It was at this moment that I heard three words spoken into my mind. I know it wasn't me who came up with them because it wasn't a voice I recognized (my talk-to-myself voice is rather like my own but with a bit of a southern drawl...and now y'all are wondering what meds I'm on again...shame, shame). It was powerful, sure, strong, and vaguely male. Just three words.

Rest in Me.

It summed up everything I needed to hear in one small, powerful package. I wasn't trusting God like I should have. All my anxieties, all my fears, all my insecurities could be conquered with a simple imperative sentence (and God has good grammar...that's encouraging). All I have to do is just what is right before me--and let God handle the rest. I also need to let go of my safety nets, my human measures to protect myself, and allow the most powerful being in the universe to be in control.

Easier said, I know. But it's starting to be done. Already I feel better, lighter, more hopeful.

Although that might also be the chocolate I just ate. :)

Waiting for a Sign

Something you don't often hear me say is that I envy Old Testament Biblical characters. Do I care to be Bathsheba, lusted after by a king so much that he kills my husband? Nope. Perhaps Rachel, then, mother of one of the greatest Biblical heroes but competes for attention from her hubsband with her sister. Don't think so. Esther, savior of the Jewish people? Not really in the mood for a beauty contest, thank you. All that aside, I do envy some of the men, particularly now. I could use a burning bush a-la-Moses, or just a soggy piece of animal skin a-la-Gideon. I'm waiting for a sign from God...and I'm finding out just how impatient I can be.

Don't get me wrong--I know that God has plans for me (Jeremiah tells me so) and that He is in total control. I know that my worries about finding the right career path at this time are just that--worries. Unfounded concerns that might show my human failings more than I wish. I would love to be so completely in tune with God that I wouldn't give any of the daily reminders that my future is quite uncertain a second thought. At the end of the day, I'm still human. Still failing. Still worrying.

Take one part economic recession, one part academic competition, and one part indiscriminate "change" and you have a cocktail for peace broken into chaos. I have a back-up plan in place, and even a back-up to the back-up. If I have to, I'll stay working at the company caring for mentally/physcially handicapped people. If I have to, I can always go back and teach preschool again (I still love those little rugrats despite the temper tantrums). If I have to. What I want is to use the education I've acquired, get a full-time job teaching in a community college. I've applied and applied. The only answers I've gotten so far are rejections--the rest are terribly, nerve-wrackingly silent. At this point I would almost prefer a rejection. Anticipation is overrated, at least where jobs are concerned.

I was doing pretty well for quite a while, even fooling myself that I would be perfectly happy with my back-up plans. I told everyone that I had faith. I did, and do. It's just not as strong lately as I'd like it to me. What I need, in typical whiny human fashion, is an indelible sign. Something unmistakeable. Something that will give me the answers I need: should I stay or should I go? Will I be moving this summer or staying here? Will I be teaching full-time, part-time, or not at all? Will my job duties change at my current position, making my routine life as a "house parent" suddenly a lot more difficult and stressful?

I'm finding myself in limbo, and not the happy party game (although I never really enjoyed the concept of a game that would only benefit chiropractors). It's scary graduating school, especially with no options for staying in school, in relative safety. I'm going to have loans to pay back soon. Extra bills. I'd rather have homework...again.

I've prayed for signs. I've prayed for dreams--and trust me, those have NOT been helpful unless my sister is really going to help care for my mother's mysterious birth of quintuplets (thanks, Dad). I've prayed for peace, for patience, for whatever other virtue is going to get me through this time. I feel some of it. I'd be going crazy 24/7 if I didn't. I just don't like this uncertainty, this worry that I'm not going to make the right choice. That I'm not going to have a choice.

Praying for faith and patience is a good thing. If God answers the prayer, though, be prepared to learn them in spades. :)