Waiting for a Sign

Something you don't often hear me say is that I envy Old Testament Biblical characters. Do I care to be Bathsheba, lusted after by a king so much that he kills my husband? Nope. Perhaps Rachel, then, mother of one of the greatest Biblical heroes but competes for attention from her hubsband with her sister. Don't think so. Esther, savior of the Jewish people? Not really in the mood for a beauty contest, thank you. All that aside, I do envy some of the men, particularly now. I could use a burning bush a-la-Moses, or just a soggy piece of animal skin a-la-Gideon. I'm waiting for a sign from God...and I'm finding out just how impatient I can be.

Don't get me wrong--I know that God has plans for me (Jeremiah tells me so) and that He is in total control. I know that my worries about finding the right career path at this time are just that--worries. Unfounded concerns that might show my human failings more than I wish. I would love to be so completely in tune with God that I wouldn't give any of the daily reminders that my future is quite uncertain a second thought. At the end of the day, I'm still human. Still failing. Still worrying.

Take one part economic recession, one part academic competition, and one part indiscriminate "change" and you have a cocktail for peace broken into chaos. I have a back-up plan in place, and even a back-up to the back-up. If I have to, I'll stay working at the company caring for mentally/physcially handicapped people. If I have to, I can always go back and teach preschool again (I still love those little rugrats despite the temper tantrums). If I have to. What I want is to use the education I've acquired, get a full-time job teaching in a community college. I've applied and applied. The only answers I've gotten so far are rejections--the rest are terribly, nerve-wrackingly silent. At this point I would almost prefer a rejection. Anticipation is overrated, at least where jobs are concerned.

I was doing pretty well for quite a while, even fooling myself that I would be perfectly happy with my back-up plans. I told everyone that I had faith. I did, and do. It's just not as strong lately as I'd like it to me. What I need, in typical whiny human fashion, is an indelible sign. Something unmistakeable. Something that will give me the answers I need: should I stay or should I go? Will I be moving this summer or staying here? Will I be teaching full-time, part-time, or not at all? Will my job duties change at my current position, making my routine life as a "house parent" suddenly a lot more difficult and stressful?

I'm finding myself in limbo, and not the happy party game (although I never really enjoyed the concept of a game that would only benefit chiropractors). It's scary graduating school, especially with no options for staying in school, in relative safety. I'm going to have loans to pay back soon. Extra bills. I'd rather have homework...again.

I've prayed for signs. I've prayed for dreams--and trust me, those have NOT been helpful unless my sister is really going to help care for my mother's mysterious birth of quintuplets (thanks, Dad). I've prayed for peace, for patience, for whatever other virtue is going to get me through this time. I feel some of it. I'd be going crazy 24/7 if I didn't. I just don't like this uncertainty, this worry that I'm not going to make the right choice. That I'm not going to have a choice.

Praying for faith and patience is a good thing. If God answers the prayer, though, be prepared to learn them in spades. :)