I have been praying for signs. This is different than when I'm usually praying for signs--when I'm lost in a new (or old) town and can't seem to figure out if my directions meant Main Street or Main Drive (don't even get me started on GPS--driving in Chicago was not fun). I've been praying for God to give me a sign of my future employment, what will determine the next few months of my life. I didn't ask for wet wool on dry ground, or even a baby deer sighting (leftover from a sign I asked for in 5th grade--and got). I simply let the sign be of God's design.
I haven't had a clear directional shout, but I have had confirmation that God has a sense of humor when it comes to teaching me patience.
Hardly any of the schools I have applied to work at have contacted me to let me know of either my rejection or approval, and phone calls have yielded only lukewarm results: we're starting the process now, and should be picking people shortly. My other option was to work part-time (but full-time work) at a local community college which pays insultingly low salaries to adjunct professors. This is my back-up plan, my safety net in case God's choice is to keep me here in my hometown. I'd also work my full-time job on the weekends to keep benefits (meager as they are). If God intends for me to stay in this small town, then I am "prepared." I am also jumpy as a skittish housecat during an electrical storm as I work my way through these last remaining weeks of the school semester.
My boss at my full-time job announces that I might have a brand new client to care for soon, one who will require a lot of lifting and a lot of routine changes. I'm not that fond of change--God, is this a sign that my time at this job is over and I'm going to be moving on? My mother gives away some of the furniture that she was saving for me when I move out. God, is this a sign that I'm going to continue living here for at least another year? A good friend of mine is probably moving back to the Midwest and could use a roommate when she gets here. God, am I heading off to live with her, working in some college while she does her travel agency work? A friendly undergraduate remarks on how much he is going to miss me if I leave and really wants me to stay. God, am I still needed here to help some of these undergrads and former students? Every circumstance, every happening, from finding out I could get used to living at home without going to school (staying here) to packing up kitchen supplies for my own home someday (leaving) is being obsessively examined for clues. I look over my life with a magnifying glass, breathing a prayer for wisdom to spot the nefarious anomaly that will solve my future-seeking dilemma once and for all.
God has got to be chuckling over this. At least shaking His head and wondering what He's going to do with me.
I'm finding that fear is creeping in as the semester eeks away. I will soon be graduated. A non-student adult. My identity, for better or for worse, will be changed. Uncertainty is leading to a discomfort that I push down, deep inside, pretending that it isn't there and that I have faith enough to move mountains of doubt. Truth is, I'm getting nervous. Perhaps my back-up plan is God's sign, and I've just dismissed it. Perhaps all these mixed signals are just designed to test my faith. So far, I'm not sure I'm passing.
My prayer for today is this: God, teach me how to listen to You. Let me know what it is that You want for me, and help me to be patient and wait for that answer.
If nothing else, just keep me sane for finals. :)
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