Tonight I went to my first birthday party. Granted...there might have been party or two in my very young past, but I don't really remember much about them and so I don't really count them. I've been invited to a handful...but I don't usually go. Tonight I expected to spend about an hour singing a very familiar song, watching people eat cake, and then go home to talk to my boyfriend (long-distance relationship) and do some grading. Instead, I got schooled on birthday fun.
I must say that my favorite parts of the evening weren't the quick chats with new and good friends, or even learning a new card game with my pastor and several other women. It was playing with the babies. I adore children...and hanging out with the pastor's kids really reminded me of just how much I miss being with them on a regular basis. Kids just fill this hole in my heart. Maybe it's knowing I'm very much needed, desired, appreciated. Little ones are good at showing that. :)
I did have a good time. I did feel rather awkward at times. While I had my excuses--ranging from a very long day at work, being around a lot of people (I get overwhelmed in crowds), dealing with fibromyalgia symptoms, and feeling rather exhausted--most of it was due to me not really knowing how to deal with these people. They were all from the church, so I was watching what I said and did (some jokes fell flat quickly, and then I just didn't know what to say). I felt intimidated by the overexuberant personality of my pastor, something that usually makes me smile but tonight made me feel like I wanted to withdraw. Then again, I have been going through a self-isolation phase, where I desire to be alone or just with a small group of a select few.
I was so worried about doing or saying the wrong thing, figuring out how to interact with people, and trying to hide my social anxieties that I forgot the most important part of fellowship: relaxing and trusting the people around me. They weren't going to judge me because I got frustrated learning a new game or if I hadn't gotten up in time to avoid breaking a chair (talk about uber embarrassing). Instead of taking a deep breath, being myself, and laughing and having a good time, I put on a mask and dropped details to get across that I wasn't quite myself and shouldn't be pushed into things. It worked, for the most part, if by working it meant that I felt awkward and was grateful for an excuse (grading) to eventually leave.
I was honest, but not in the right way or for the right reasons. I could argue very well that my behavior was understandable....but understandable doesn't equate being right. Let's face it, folks--I'm human and I screwed up again. :)
If there's another party that I happen to get invited to, I'll have to be brave. I'll have to stop hiding behind my tiredness, my fears, my anxieties and just let myself shine, both the good and the bad. If I'm truly to bond with these members of the church, if I'm seriously thinking about taking a step towards membership myself for the first time, then I need to be trusting in God. He'll make sure that while I may not be the life of the party (who can outshine Pastor John...really?), I can be a well-burning candle among the festive midst.
No comments:
Post a Comment